Contents Under Pressure

By looking at my desk, you wouldn't think that I'm a perfectionist. But I am. It just manifests itself in weird ways. Like all the hangers in my closet have to hang so the shirts are facing right (and never looped backwards over the bar--what are people, insane?!). Like all the books in my bookcase have to line up an inch from the edge and the titles have to face out, in a manner so that if I tilt my head just so, I can read them all. It's the Virgo in me. It's twisted, but well, there you have it.

But having those perfectionist tendencies makes it very difficult for me to accept that I am seemingly incapable of doing anything perfectly right off the bat. I have no clue why this is hard to accept--I've never done anything perfect the first time. But it never fails, each time I realize that I'll need to go back and work on a book some more, I beat myself up a little over what I left undone, what I did wrong the first time. It's silly and it doesn't get me anywhere, but it gets to me that there are people in the world who can practically spin gold with a Word program and I'm hoofing it across those pages, trying to achieve something close to perfection.

Weird, huh?

I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself. And I find my goals changing. There was a time when having my book published was enough--just one book--but, like a few published friends assured me some time ago, my goals have changed. Now I want to see my books take off. I want to be a success, not a flash in the pan (pardon the cliche). I want kids to ask for my books by name. I want bookstore employees to talk to people about Vlad. I'm always looking for some way that I can market myself--it can really screw with your sleep. I wish writing were enough anymore, but it's not. Now I need to be read.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not bummed out or stressin' or anything, just learning more about myself and wondering why I am the way I am. (I think it's this same ~whatever~ that makes me terribly jealous of anyone who can play a musical instrument) Plus, I'm expecting copy edits soon...and I'm a notorious fretter. (I fret about everything and if I have nothing to fret about, I'll make something up.) I have a feeling that copy edits are going to be a challenge--and I'm sooooo thankful that I have a copy editor! They're on the list of those good friends that will remind you to remove the toilet paper from your shoe before you step out in public. So I'm thankful. Just a little nervous.

And I'm embarking on something that I know will be complicated, but dark, delicious, and (if I manage to pull it off) amazing. My fabulous agent loves my BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS outline and wants me to finish the first three chapters. So...Dillon and I are working our way back into Wonderland. It has me feeling rather introspective. I hated tweaking that outline and so now I'm scared I'll hate writing the book...which is silly. Writing the book should, feasibly, be easier now that all the kinks are worked out on paper.Nevertheless, the anxiety...the fretting...never seems to end. It has to be perfect. But it won't. Because perfect doesn't happen the first time. (Hell, it often doesn't happen the twenty-seventh time)

~Speaking of Hell (and perfection), you minions need to hop on over to Amazon and pick up Jackie Kessler's book. Trust me--the woman is friggin' brilliant.~

So I guess my point is that you should always strive for perfection, yes....just know that it's a long road.

And know that maybe you shouldn't blog before you've had your morning caffeine. It makes you ramble.